American Rubes: A brief history, a present danger
by Dr. Montgomery Phalange, taken from the introduction to his book “Rubes – The New Terror” 2002 Kentucky Press


Although rubery, or rubism, has always been a worldwide phenomenon, recent research has shown that many “Rubes” are concentrated in the Southern United States (See Jimmy Wax, Trey Wheeler & Slitzy et al 2003). How has the Rube come to flourish in this particular area, and what does this mean for the rest of the Regular world?

There are those who feel that these results may, in fact, be affected by the propensity for Americo-Rubes to voice their opinions in every medium conceivable, whereas other, more introverted Rubes, e.g. the Indo-Rube, choose instead to keep their fool mouths shut. Because of this loud-mouthed obnoxiousness, the Americo-Rube reveals himself far more readily, thereby making the USA seem the hotbed of such activity. Having said that, the apparent concentration and success of rubes in the US can also be explained by the influx of so many different nationalities into that country throughout the 18th and 19th centuries and the propensity for living in rural areas of the average Rube. In fact, it was only in the 20th Century that the term “Rube” was defined as an “Unsophisticated Country Person”. Prior to this and until so many had congregated in the fields of Kentucky and the swamps of Mississippi, Rubes were thought to be equally spread between urban and rural habitats. Whereas this may have been true, the very fact that so many who travelled to the US and settled there, chose to remain in small rural clusters and ignorant of the outside world shows us that this is in fact the natural and preferred habitat of the Rube. Like the dodo, the Rube found its ideal stomping ground. Pikeville, Kentucky is a fine example of this, with its 6,000 max. population and producing the aptly named “Uber-Rube”, Brian P. Yates, as recently as 1981.

The U.S. in the 18th Century was no more than an expanse of fields, involving a treacherous journey by boat for any who attempted to arrive there and possible slaughter by “savages” upon arrival. Most knew that they would never see those sent ever again. This further explains how “The Pioneers” became The Pioneers. Who better to send, like a monkey into space, than the most Rubish group of the time - The Puritans (Hence the prevalence of fundamentalist Christianity in rube colonies). Later, other nations, looking to explore this new world, discovered only 200 years previously by a Rube who thought he was in India, and who was unaware that some non-rubes from Scandinavia had in fact been there 400 years prior to that, and considered the place uninhabitable except to the native population, sent their own identified Rubes, neither expecting, nor wanting to ever hear from them again. Believing they had totally expunged their known Rube population, Britain declared themselves “cool” in 1777, and were summarily dismissed as a “Nation of Rubes” by all other sovereignties. Britain are in fact responsible for the re-spreading of Rubism throughout the world by means of colonialism and the “Make the World England” campaign which dominated their foreign policy for hundreds of years (As evident in the creation of the DUP in Northern Ireland). However, levels of rubery never quite recovered anywhere in the world to pre-US levels, while Rubes multiplied in keeping with Christian teachings within the US itself. (This has led to much debate as to whether rubism is genetic or taught, most agreeing that while genetics are important, the main focus of study must be why and how the USA forms the perfect habitat to nurture these People of Enhanced Rubish Propensity PERPs)

Throughout US history, numerous high profile Rubes have reared their heads, giving rise to the present day, Americo-Rube, loud and full of belligerent self-belief. There was General Custer the rube who rode into a trap and got himself stuck like a peach sticks to fuzz along with his entire cavalry .
Elmer McCurdy, the Rube-outlaw who robbed the wrong train and stole a safe containing $47 and some whiskey, getting himself killed for the pleasure and being displayed for 65 years as a mummy in a sideshow until his arm fell off and they finally buried him. John Wilkes Boothe, the racist rube who assassinated Abraham Lincoln in full view of a theatre audience because slavery was abolished and broke his leg jumping from the balcony, only to be caught two weeks later and shot through the neck while hobbling about in a barn fire on crutches and of course, the Ku Klux Klan, a body of Rubes who display all of the rubish characteristics, but added a new quality in naming themselves after mythical creatures such as Wizards and Dragons, presumably to show how powerful and important they were. Unlike the other rubes mentioned here, however, the KKK as an organisation of course are still around, casting spells and breathing fire all over the USA, but confined mainly, again, to rural areas in the Southern States.

Such behaviours can be seen quite clearly in today’s PERPs. Take Brian P. Yates for example. So full of self-importance is this rube that he describes himself in his mouth foamingly homophobic and racist website as “the most influential 19 year old in history” without even a trace of irony. He is only short of calling himself a Warlock. (Studies are at present underway to investigate whether irony is compatible with the rube psyche – See Rube Watch et al 2003) It takes only a cursory glance at “America’s Dumbest Criminals” to see where the legacy of Mr. McCurdy has taken modern rube, and if fighting unknown, uncountable enemies in ill-planned, illegitimate battles, is Custer’s influence, then we need look no further than the present War on Terror to see it.
And so we see much argument for “nurture” as being a part of the development of Rubes in the US.

The “nature” argument also has merit. Indeed, we have the second Bush in power, acting exactly as his father did, and in similar rubey style. Indeed, living within such small colonies allows the maintenance of the rube genotype. In “keeping it in the family” the Americo-Rube has managed to stay as rubic as the pioneers for over two centuries, the burning of witches becoming the Communist Trials of the 1950s, the hanging of Negroes in the 1960s, the Vietnam War, and of course, the War on Terror.

The fact of the matter is that the Americo-Rube has flourished through a combination of nature, nurture and preferred habitat for over 200 years. They are now reaching a point in their history where they can “Make the World America” copying the previous “Nation of Rubes” and in doing so, spreading PERPs back across the globe to pre-US levels.

Dr. Montgomery Phalange was born and raised in a big city with more than 3 million people in it and is a world renowned socio-scientist, researching rubism and rube therapy. He can be contacted through Rube Watch